Lies I have told myself this adoption

I texted friends early in the adoption paper chase. 

"Lies I have told myself: Waiting will be easier this time because I have two children already.  LIES."

In starting the process I felt excited but also steadier.  I knew the initial paper chase process better and felt like I was able to look at the dossier and understand it.

I also felt that since our lives were so full I wouldn't feel the sharp longing that I did with Emma.  Yes, I did want our third beautiful child.  But I just thought it would be easier.

But I was so wrong. Yes, the process makes more sense this time but...the fact is our son or daughter is in China. 

This week has been particularly hard.  For multiple reasons.

Right now our agency, CCAI, is going over our home study very thoroughly and will then return it (with suggestions) to our home study agency.  And then they will fix the home study and send it back to CCAI to check again.  I am just working on a few more papers while we wait.  But this wait is inactivate in many ways. 

I posted this picture and caption this week.

I had forgotten this tension. The hope that doesn’t go away (that I don’t want to go away) but that I can’t quite hold onto because it isn’t mine to really hold on to yet. So my sweet one that I am waiting for, I will call you 希望 Xīwàng- Hope until the day we know your name. So my Xīwàng we hold onto God as we live in this tension of the waiting and the in between. We pray for you and love you. ❤️#waitingfornumber3 #adoption #chinaadoption

Hope is a painful and wonderful thing.  I wrote this blog while we were waiting for to be matched with Emma. Here is the truth, hope does hurt.  I don't want hope to leave, nor do I want to forget my other child in China, but it is painful. 

But as I wait, and the hope is painful, I am reminded to pray.  To pray for our 希望 Xīwàng. 

Thank you for joining us in prayer for our beautiful child across the ocean.